"let's eat"

I have decided that to the nurses I work with..."let's eat' actually means "i'm going to go eat"

I hear the phrase at LEAST once every night...

First Failure...

OK, so not really my FIRST failure, of course...but the first I will talk about. The first major one actually, in my career so far...The first, not the last, hopefully not one of TOO many...but all the same, I feel like I had a big LOSER stamped accross my forehead.

Anyway, yeah, just call me idiot nurse today. That's what all my coworkers did, more or less. Not in words, but in their laughter and mockery. I'm only half kidding...

So I work Saturday night, I get off work in the morning, drive home, shower, grab a small bite to eat, and go to bed. A little after I went to sleep, I got 3 missed calls from my hospital. I was SO exhausted from the busy night at work, I didn't even HEAR my phone ring, so I called them back when I woke up...


So, turns out they were calling to tell me I made a mistake...hmm. I would have thought that could wait until I went BACK to work, that night?? But NO, they had to call me while I was sleeping, in my own free time, to tell me. To ruin my day, ruin my time with my husband...ruin my nice peaceful sleep. So then I thought about it, and maybe it was a good thing that they had called. I mean, that gave me time to digest it, think long and hard...(and shed some tears to my husband), feel like an idiot...in the privacy of my own home...

I feel the need to justify myself here though. It was not *entirely* my fault. You see, there were orders that were written by a doctor the previous night, 24 hours prior, that I was following. Orders that I assumed had been followed by that night nurse, then the morning nurse, and THEN by myself. I followed the orders...and the charge nurse that called to yell at me said that I should know the doctor was wrong. Maybe that is true...but I don't quite know how I am supposed to know to question the doctors...I can't double check every order. What had happened, was that there was an order to replace fluid being taken out via NG tube. So cc/cc replacement..."with same IVF"...which just so happened to have 20kcl...which just so happens to NOT be allowed on the floor. Which I have NEVER been told. Which I did not figure out on my own. Which I did not catch. Which led to the phone calls from the charge nurse.

If ONLY that were the end of it. I cried. I told my husband I REALLY wanted to call in "sick" to work...he said no. He was my voice of reason...told me I have to face my mistakes (in a much nicer way, don't worry!)...he said it will be ok. Everybody makes mistakes, blah blah blah, all the stuff I have told my friends with THEIR mistakes. At least I didn't kill him, right? Ugh...

I had no clue what would happen when I went into work. Would they write me up? Could they do that to me...? I mean, can you really get written up for FOLLOWING an order...? I know it was not a good order. (I mean, I know that NOW), but I just didn't know what to expect...

So I got to work, showed the charge nurse the order that I followed (because over the phone, she told me there was no such order in the chart). It was there, she agreed with me on that one, but she said I should have questioned it. HOW should I have known that??

Then comes shift report time...and just as EVERYone is in the room, she tells everyone what I did. At first, I thought it would not be so bad. She sort of brushed it off, looked at me and smiled, and said "sorry, i'm just teasing"...but THEN, she went on about how I shouldn't have done it...and another of the nurses asked EACH night nurse who works with me, individually, if they knew that what I had done was wrong. Each one said yes. No one stuck up for me. One, under his breath almost, told me "it's ok, you didn't know..." And then, she proceeds to tell me, SEE? You should have asked anyone of them! They would have told you not to do it! Still, how should I have caught that...?

I did all I could to hold the tears in. Believe me, I wanted to leave the room to cry. I really did. Call me weak, call me whatever you want to, but I felt like such an idiot, in front of at least 15 nurses...who all know more than me (granted, ALL have more experience as well...)

But, I didn't. I took report on my patients, and kept strong...

Then one nurse came up to me after, as she was about to leave, and she pulled me aside, and said "I just wanted to say, don't worry. We all make mistakes. I've made lots of mistakes, and I have gone home and cried my eyes out, and I have felt so stupid, but that is how we learn..." Hearing that made me feel a little better...a LITTLE less judged, a little more human, a little more cared about...a little more SUPPORTED. She seriously made my night so much better, with that tiny little encouragement. I still wanted to cry. I still wanted to go home and get away from it all. But it made it better.

I tell this just because maybe someone will read this and say, hey, someone else made a mistake! Seriously, at times when you mess up, you REALLY want to know someone else is messing up too.

Anyway, I will never repeat that mistake. I did learn. Although I felt completely alone and unsupported by my peers...they also did not dwell on it the whole night, which made me thankful. Ugh, I hate life's hard lessons, and I hate them even MORE when they are in public!

TPN

So, I got to hang my very first bag of TPN last night...haha SOOOO exciting! :) Hey! it kind of was...

I also got a compliment that I look like I have many years experience. (they asked the dreaded question of how lon I've been a nurse, I told them I'd been working 6 months...) I guess I put on a good show huh? :) Fake it til you make it...guess it works sometimes...

I think it helps that I love my job. even when I dread coming to work, once I'm here, I really love what I do.

What I DON'T love though...is this RSV season. :P

When I Grow Up...

When I woke my 7 year old appy patient up to take midnight vital signs, she says 'Doctor, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor, just like you.' To which I replied...i am not a doctor, I am a nurse. groggily she said 'ok, then when I grow up, I want to be a NURSE just like you...or a teacher.'

Sweet child...makes my all night's work worth it. :)

Here I Go...

So I decided I'd try out this world of blogging...with one catch. I'll do it under a fake name... :) I figure this way, I can be 100% honest and show my true feelings and not be afraid of who might be reading my thoughts. I figure this will be a good place for me to come and document my career successes and disappointments...without fear of judgement, because no one will know its ME.

So...that being said...let me tell a little about myself. I have now been working as a registered nurse in an acute care pediatric unit for 6 months. I absolutely love my job, love my patients, even love *most* of the families I deal with every day.

Although I have never seen myself as a night person, I work 7pm to 7am, and I actually enjoy it... :)

What else can possibly matter to those that are reading this...? Well, obviously I love children, although I have none myself. (I do think my job is preparing me for the day I have my first child very well though!)

I'm sometimes quiet, sometimes loud...i have a ton of wonderful friends and yet sometimes I still feel lonely. I love sad movies, romances, biographies, comedies, and i'll watch anything at least once. I like bright colors and sunshine, and could live on the beach with no shoes forever. I am OCD but my apartment's never really clean...but its organized! I love people and just want to do something good in this crazy world...I am a Nurse.

I guess that's my introduction...I'll get back to this blog soon... :)